The image above was taken on the hiking trail which winds its way up Battle Creek Canyon. This canyon is in Pleasant Grove, Utah, which happens to be where I have lived for the past 18 years. This trail is an amazingly beautiful place, and rivals any of the other hiking trails nearby. This tree is about 50 feet from the first set of falls where everyone goes. If you continue up the trail a bit further, staying next to the gorgeous river, you pass a bridge, and eventually a set of falls which are much larger and even more beautiful. Those of you who know me, or even just know my photography, know that this is one of my Favourite places to visit, it's gorgeous. This picture, and some others I will include randomly through out this post, were taken on the evening of July 17th, 2010. This was little more than 24 hours before Todd Ransom, a beautiful and amazing man took his life at these same falls. He happened to be gay, and also happened to come from a Mormon past.
I never knew him personally, but have spent the last few days immersed inside of his life, reading blog posts about him, and hearing first hand accounts of an amazing man. He apparently enjoyed hiking and dancing, he volunteered for several organizations, and he wanted equality for all human beings, regardless of their differences. I know that a lot of people loved him, and he was an amazing son, brother, uncle, husband, and friend. I have seen that in the twenty eight years of his life he impacted an astounding amount of people, and after his death he has impacted even more who never had the chance to meet him.
A lot of people have said that they don't know why todd took his life. Maybe these people don't know what his last words were, Or maybe those last words were falsely reported; but I have a hard time believing they were. I think that at some point, the words which may offend some, got cut off. I think that his last words speak for themselves, and make his reasoning for taking his own life perfectly clear.
“Sunrise- accept this final offering- sunrise.” When will 'faith' wake up to love and not hate? - Todd Ransom
I can assume a lot more. I can guess that he was in an incredible amount of pain. I will not go as far as to blame the LDS church or anyone organization or individual for his death. I think that it was probably a combination of factors, but I think that the lack of true and complete support for GLBT individuals within the LDS church, and the involvement of it and the Catholics in Proposition 8, contributed to his death greatly. I think that these actions, words, and events have contributed to countless deaths amongst current or former members of the LDS and catholic churches, as well as several outside of them. Aside from Todd, there have been two gay Mormon suicides in the last three weeks. I also know from my own personal experiences, that many of us walk to the precipice of suicide and barely have the strength to walk away. There is only a fine line separating many of us from life and death at one point in our lives. Undoubtedly many more people, as well as some of us who have walked away at one time will cross this precipice in the future, and take our own lives or attempt to, unless drastic action is taken to prevent this from happening.
I Have set up a temporary memorial at the falls for Todd, until we can get a more permanent one put up (it's at the falls, trail head at the top of 200S in Pleasant Grove, Utah). Last night several amazing people also organized a candle light vigil in memory of him, which was beautiful. What affected me most however, was after I brought up the fact that I arrived late and didn't get to share the box of candles I had brought with anyone as intended, my friend turned to me and said, “Keep the candles... we'll need them again soon”.
That's sad to me. Incredibly sad to me, Because what he said is absolutely true. We will. Unless changes are made, and gays are not treated like they are Sick; like they need to be cured. Until “reparative therapy” Disappears from this world completely. Until none of us have to hear faggot, fairy, queer, a dyke, a tranny, or any of the other words and phrases we have thrown at us with the worst intentions behind them. Until we live with individuals who love us as much as we love them, Gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender individuals will continue to take their own lives rather than face a life of bigotry and intolerance. Unless these changes are made, we will still have hate crimes. We will still have people who are injured or killed because of the sexual orientation or gender identity of themelves or those who they love.
I have heard several stories of people coming from an LDS past who attempted suicide and failed. Perfectly normal, amazing people who had grown up being taught that god loved everyone, but he loved some people a little bit less. Most of them only had two options: leave the church, or pretend they were someone they were not. They decided that they could do neither; caught between the religion they had believed all their life, and their feelings of love for the same gender. They needed to escape, and most turned to suicide, self-injury, or drugs to do this.
The truth? I am invested personally in Todd's Story more than most, and there are reasons behind that. I thankfully came out on my 19th Birthday to only a few negative responses, and a lot of positive responses I didn't expect. I intended to come out much later than this, but after becoming involved with the amazing group of people up at USU in the GSA (L.I.F.E), GLBTA office, and SHAFT and seeing people who were out and free- I couldn't hold it anymore. Out to some, but not to all, I was living a double life, and was terrified of losing everything I had. I stopped going to class, stopped eating, and ended up slashing my arm repeatedly with a razor blade. I finally realized that holding this inside had tried to kill me several times in the past, and It would if I didn't let it out, so I did.
For years I had my own suicide planned out. Pure beauty is so hard to find in humanity sometimes, and I had made the decision that if I was going to die, I would die surrounded by Beauty. I've mentioned previously that I visit the battle creek trail quite often- at least a couple times a week in fact. Most people don't realize, however, that for over a year I took some type of instrument which I could use to take my own life up on those hikes. Most people don't realize that I would sit at the top of the waterfalls and stroke a razor blade hidden in my pocket. Most people don't realize that there were some days where the only thing that stopped me was the presence of people at those same falls. I have only found complete peace and acceptance in nature, and I understand completely why Todd chose this particular location. I am deeply saddened by his death, but also happy that he was able to die surrounded by beauty as I desired for so long. This is where I feel unity with him so much more so than any of the other suicides; recent or not.
Now I don't go up there with the same intentions, but I still continue to go up there because it's so beautiful, and because nature doesn't care about who I am or who I love. A few days before his death, I quickly typed up the following while I was sitting at the bridge on the trail with my feet in the water thinking.
“I baptized myself in the river today
Let the cold water run over my face
and realized nature is the only god I need
It embraces me completely
Without question or accusation
Of either of us being anything but who we are”
I will forever be reminded of his death because of it's location, it will stand out in my mind more than any one elses. Some people look at this as a bad thing. I don't, because every time I visit the falls I will be reminded of this wonderful, Beautiful, Caring man who loved people so unconditionally, and how he wanted that type of love for everyone regardless of who they were. I will be reminded of how society doesn't always align with these views, and how I have felt the same hopelessness as him. I will also be reminded of how if things had been minutely different, I would not be here today. Visiting these falls will also remind me about how much further our society needs to go to truly accept our GLBTQ members. The thing which scares me the most is the fact that I am sure there are many GLB individuals who commit suicide, but who never come out, so no one understands why. I think this applies even more so to Transgender, Gender-queer, and Gender variant people who find even less acceptance in our society, sometimes even amongst our GLB community, which is sickening to me. Homophobia, Biphobia, and transphobia will probably not ever be eliminated, but are currently far to prevalent in our society, the latter two are also far too prevalent amongst the communities which should support them.
You can make any argument that you want to to try and justify their deaths, and those who have attempted and thankfully failed, but if you feel compelled to do this, Talk to someone who is GLBT. Ask them what it's like to live in a world you don't feel was made for you. Ask them what it's like to live in an environment where people claim they love you but brutalize you with their actions and words. Ask them what it's like to know that there is a risk of being injured or killed just by admitting that they are who they are. Ask them what it's like to know that 3 year old Ronnie Paris was killed by the man who was supposed to raise him because “he didn't want him to be gay”. Ask them what it's like to watch Friends and family members desert them because of who they love, or because their gender doesn't match what's between their legs. Before you try to justify reparative therapy, talk to some of the people who have experienced the aversion therapy that the LDS church and other organizations have promoted in the past. Before you try and justify the deaths of these beautiful people; walk down the streets of any major city and ask the homeless youth there why they were kicked out of their homes. Before you try and defend the actions of the religious organizations which are homophobic, consider the things that they have done. Consider some of the emotional and physical Violence that the LDS church has inflicted upon the GLBT community, and NEVER apologized for. Consider the same for the Catholic church. Consider the fact that many of these religions draw their reasoning from Sodom. Consider that sodomy is any sexual act but sex between a married male and female in the missionary position. Before you judge us, take a look into your own heart and wonder why you believe what you believe. Wonder why you may choose to encourage the chapters of the bible which seem to imply homosexuality and transgenderism are awful things, while disregarding those which forbid divorce, allow slavery, or promote violence and murder. Even if you believe in the bible or another holy book, it doesn't mean that you have to believe everything within it. It was written very long ago, and reflects the traditional views of the time, but that doesn't mean that all of it has to be considered holy.
I have enough tolerance and love to go around to anyone who I happen to come into contact with my life. I have friends which come from nearly every faith, race, sexuality, gender identity-the list goes on. However, I'm done silencing myself when intolerance presents itself because I fear being called intolerant myself. I hope that those of you who are reading this and are LDS or Catholic, I don't have anything against you directly. I just disagree with some of the actions of these churches, and feel that undeniably, they are hurting people, and are homophobic. I also think that just because you believe what they believe, doesn't mean you have to associate yourself with the mainstream church. If you disagree, please, message me so that I may better explain my position.
Anyone who is reading this and feels like your alone, for any of you suffering in silence, whether you're considering suicide or not, Please feel free to contact me. I am willing to provide a non-judgemental, open listening environment for any one who needs it, and I will do my best to help you. Anything you say to me will also remain between us, and I will NEVER do anything to out you. Email me at Tearsfortrust@gmail.com . I love all people, and celebrate the diversity amongst my fellow human beings. To all others, please.. please...please... do the same. Love people unconditionally- Give them a place to go. Lets not have another suicide this month, and lets try our best to prevent them period.
I hope all of those who have taken their own life, or had their life taken from them by others are at peace now. None of you deserved this.
And more specifically
Rest in Peace Todd,
I know I never knew you while you were living, but I feel incredibly close to you and your amazing group of friends and family. I do not know if there is an afterlife, but I hope wherever you are, you are no longer in pain.
To all of my supportive friends and family, especially those of you who have consistently remained in contact with me despite how busy or distracted you were, Thank you so much. I owe you all more than I can ever give you, because without you, I don't know where I would be.
Thank you also to the USU GLBTA office, L.I.F.E., USU SHAFT and the amazing people who run these organizations and take part in them. You guys are awesome, and I don't think you realize how much of an impact you have had on my life.
Accept this beautiful boy,
I know there will be more but-
Can't we just let this sunset be
the ending of today,
we need a new tomorrow,
where love reigns supreme
Sunset-
I ask
I beg
Bring us peace
With love and respect for all of you,
Riley Heiner
